Through All the Distress
by spencershotchner
Summary: Through the Distress is a group of small ficlets centered around the traumas the members of the BAU have gone through.
1. Spencer

Rating: T for drug use  
Summary: He just wants to forget.

He remembers how Tobias' body was still warm when he reached into his pocket and removed the two small vials of Dilaudid. He tries not to think about it, about that one decision that he _knows_ he shouldn't have made. He knows that he should have let the glass lie in the pocket of the dead man and try to forget that it had ever happened.

But that was the problem.

_He couldn't forget._

Spencer doubted that even without his eidetic memory, the three days he was stuck in that shed with Tobias would be crystal clear forever, permanently etched in his mind like some etching in a cave, his brain permanently scarred from the trauma. But he knew, he _knew_ one way to forget.

Every time Tobias injected him with Dilaudid, he could escape what was going on, he could leave where he was; the statistics stopped, the probabilities and facts halted; his mind stopped swirling like a tornado of information, and he was allowed to just simply _exist_, just for the time being. The flashbacks were sometimes unpleasant—he didn't really want to think about the day he had his mother committed to Bennington, or the day that his father walked out, but there were other memories, memories of his mother reading to him, memories of before the schizophrenia got to the point where he knew he would have to have her committed.

And when the memories stopped playing like an old film reel in his head and he drifted back into awareness, he was still floating, still _simply existing_. He was in a place where he didn't have to think, didn't have to remember, and that place was beautiful.


	2. Emily

Rating: T  
Summary: She would rather not remember.

She stares out of the window in her flat in Paris. She's holding the beige curtains to the side just enough for her to peer into the darkness that cloaks the outdoors. The lights from the street leech into her apartment, breaking through the black that permeates the room. After a moment, she allows the curtain to swing back into place, cutting off most of the glow from the street lamps.

Emily runs her fingers through her hair, which has been cropped shorter and dyed red. She honestly has to say that she hates it. She hates having to hide out in Paris, and she hates having to disguise herself. She especially hates the fact that her entire team, sans JJ and Aaron, believes that she died while in surgery. She's also not too happy about the fact that her mother is having to mourn the loss of a daughter that is actually still alive.

She absently traces the outline of the four-leaf clover that is branded above her breast. It has become habit when thinking about Doyle, which she does far too often, but it's the only thing she can think about other than the people she's betrayed. If Emily allows her mind to wander, she can still remember every blow she took while in that warehouse. She would rather not think about it, but sometimes the memories break out of the tiny compartments she's sealed them into. She can still remember the horrendous pain when Ian thrust the wooden stake into her abdomen, can remember the blinding agony as he seared a four-leaf clover into the space above her left breast.

Emily still wakes up in a cold sweat every night, even four weeks after the fact. The sound of Doyle's gun being cocked while pressed against her head rings throughout her brain. She does not want to think about any of it anymore, but she has no choice in the matter. She will be scarred for life, in more ways than one.


	3. Aaron

Rating: T  
Summary: He will be forever plagued by her eyes.****

It's been nearly three years since Haley died, since Jack lost his mother, since Jessie lost her sister. Aaron still wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with a shout, drenched in a cold sweat that raises goosebumps across his skin. Tears stream down his face. He doesn't dream about grappling with Foyet, about continuing to beat a man who was already dead. No, he dreams about the three loudest gunshots he had ever heard, about Haley's last pleading words to him. About her shaky breaths before Foyet pulled the trigger.

When he wakes he can remember the feel of her still-warm body clutched in his arms, can still smell her hair. His mind is plagued by her beautiful blue eyes, wide open, empty and frozen in death. He cannot get it fully out of his mind, and he fears he never will.


	4. Derek

Rating: T  
Summary: There are some things you would rather not remember.  
Warnings: Mentions of past sexual abuse

There are things that still trigger those thoughts, things that will always trigger those thoughts, and he knows that. He doesn't have to like it, but he knows it.

Things like seeing that particular brand of wine on the shelf when he's at the store; a man pressing up too close against his back on a crowded dance floor.

It always sends him reeling, and it never gets easier to think about. The way he broke his trust and wielded it against him. The way he made him feel powerless, like he had no one he could turn to. How he was made to feel like no one would ever want him if they knew, because he was damaged goods.

Carl Buford may be the one sitting in prison, but _Derek's _the one still paying for his transgressions.


	5. Jennifer

Rating: T for sensitive material  
Warnings: Talk of suicide  
Summary: Carissa's birthday is always the hardest day of the year.

Carissa would have been forty-one today. It's been twenty-four years and her sister's birthday is still the most hellish day of the year.

She runs her fingers over the small heart charm that hangs from the chain of the necklace that Carissa gave her the day that she died. She still holds a sliver of guilt for being so happy that she had given it to her even though she had initially refused the gift. Only a few hours later your mother had asked JJ to fetch her sister for an early dinner and she had found her hanging in her closet. She had already been cold.

JJ had started screaming as she pulled on her hand to try and get her down. She'd give her the necklace if her sister would just come back.

She misses her every day.


	6. David

Rating: PG  
Warnings: Spoilers for Episode 7x06 'Epilogue', Minor Character Death  
Summary: He doesn't know which hurts worse, the fact that he's lost her or the fact that he couldn't do anything about it.

He brushes her brown hair back off of her face and tucks it behind her ear. She's been still for almost thirty minutes now, and Dave knows that he should call the police soon, but he can't bring himself to move from Carolyn's bed and get his cellphone, which he put on her dresser to keep out of his hands. He feels extreme guilt for not calling an ambulance when she had admitted to taking the pills, but he knew that she was going to pass on her own terms instead of in a hospital. Dave knows that it was what she wanted, but it doesn't stop the guilt.

There's an ache deep in his chest that he doesn't think he'll be able to rid him self of for a long time, if ever. Losing James had been agonizing, but he had Carolyn to lean on, and she had had him. Now that Carolyn was gone, he had lost them both, and that hurt more than anything any UnSub could ever do to him.


	7. Penelope

Rating: PG  
Warnings: Parental loss  
Summary: It's always hardest on the days when she remembers them.

It's the days like this that make Penny crave a plate of her mother's fresh, home-made oatmeal raisin cookies. There's a torrential downpour outside and she's got a nasty chest cold that just won't go away, and whenever she was sick as a child, her mother would make her cookies. Penelope's step father would make his amazing rice for dinner, and it would make her feel better even though she was sick as a dog.

The want for cookies makes her snuggle her fluffy pink pillow tighter. She misses her mother's hugs and the way her perfume smelled. Penelope misses her step father's stories and his laugh. She misses the way that they told her that they loved her no matter what.

The worst day of her life was their funeral. She had felt guilty then, and she felt guilty now. She tries not to think about it, but on the days when she needs her parents and they're not there any more, it's hard not to.


End file.
